My Least Favourite Films: 2022

I have no knowledge of whether there are plans, notions, wishes or even the slightest thought, of any of these films coming to your local multiplex.
This is all simply wild speculation, fertile imagination and work time boredom. Enjoy.

1.) The Dark Knight: Return To Darkness
With the studio unwilling to finance Nolan’s latest 35mm filmic opus, Christopher Nolan is forced to find another way to raise the estimated half a billion dollars needed to shoot his top secret project. The studio offers him half the money for his venture if he will make another Dark Knight film.

Nolan argues that the trilogy is complete, but the studio refuses to take no for an answer. He reluctantly relents, insisting on having the original cast. The studio say that is no problem.
Christian Bale, having recently received an Academy Award for his portrayal of a mute, sumo wrestling, assassin, is not eager to reprise the role, having gained three hundred pounds and liking it. He says he will come back if he can be funnier this time.

Anne Hathaway has semi-retired from film, having had two children since getting married. Presently pregnant with twins, she offers to reprise her role as Catwoman, arguing that she could be pregnant and a hero. Michael Caine has become a recluse.

He sends Nolan a message telling him to CGI his face onto a younger actor. Johnathan Nolan, so irked by the thought of messing with what he considers a complete work, refuses to write a script and gives the job to one of his understudies. The understudy, Wayne Bruce, decides to go right back to the original comic strip and gives the caped crusader a gun.

He copies the original Death Wish story, adding in some Rambo-esque death numbers for modern audiences. Nolan, racing against the clock and under pressure from the studio, allows Bruce to edit, as he is desperate to work on his next project. The film is a disaster. Nolan is forced to make Inception 2 to pacify the studio.

2.) Terminator: Legacy
Having failed in his bid to have the Constitution amended so as he might become president, Arnold Schwarzenegger, nearly broke from campaigning, embarks on another outing as the T1-800 killing machine that is The Terminator.

Even with the advancements of CGI Arnold recognises that he is perhaps too old for the role. Taking a story credit, he decides that the Terminator can procreate and goes back in time and impregnates Sarah Connor, thus becoming the father of John, who will go on to lead the resistance.

John will then send Arnie back too kill Thomas Edison because he is the father of electricity. He stops off to kill Charles Babbage on the way. The film is an unintelligible mess and lasts a week in the theatres. It wins an unprecedented twelve Razzie awards.

3.) The Fantastic Four: A New Dawn
A right-wing, fan-led, crowdfunding is started after fans show disgust at the racial interpretations of the last Fantastic Four outing, Ade Loft, a fanatical Marvel comic collector, and Nazi sympathiser, promises to realise the true vision of the four.

He tries to enlist Samuel L Jackson to play Doctor Doom. After an expletive-riddled rejection and the realisation that he could never afford him, he decides to play the role himself. In blackface makeup, to show, you know, black is bad.

The original owners of the Fantastic Four franchise, get wind of the project and sue the pants of off them. The film never sees the light of day, except for Loft putting a rough cut on his website. The studio closes that down as well.

4.) Police Academy: Let’s Do It Again
Unable to break into serious acting, Steve Guttenburg decides to return to the film’s that made his name. Taking charge of production, he decides to take a darker, sexier route, recruiting porn stars to fill the roles of new recruits. The film is, not unexpectedly, not well received by the general cinema-going public. It does become a cult softcore porn film, grossing several million dollars on release to DVD.

You have now seen the future.

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