Hot Bot – review (Netflix)

      This film scored a generous three point four on IMDB, so I knew, even with the bias of modern filmgoers, that it was highly unlikely to be even passably good. And it is not. Let me explain. 

      A German company, Hot Bot, has created an extremely lifelike sexual robot. The robots have not been granted a license in the United States, but rich senator, Biter (Larry Miller) has been sent a tape about the robots. He wants one and has one secretly flown over to the States. He orders a model named ‘Bardot’ (Cynthia Kirchner). 

     The robot is picked up by two secret service men, Agent Frazier (Anthony Anderson) and Agent Koontz (Danny Masterson). They do not know what the package is. As they are taking the package to the senator, it switches on and they end up losing it. 

     Loser students, Leonard (Zack Pearlman) and Limus (Doug Haley) work in a doughnut drive-in. On their way home from work, Leonard hits something with his car. He forces Limus to check under the car. Limes freaks out when he finds the robot under the car. He thinks that Leonard has killed her. They take the body/robot back to Limus’ house. 

    They hide the robot/body in Limus’ bedroom. Limus does not want his parents to find out. The next day the robot switches on. Limos cannot find her and he calls Leonard. Leonard turns up with a chainsaw, ready to cut the body up. They find Bardot in the bathroom. She immediately offers them her sexual services. 

    Leonard tells Limus that he can have sex with her first. He leaves them in the bedroom alone. Bardot is amorous at first but then suddenly switches off. Realising she is a robot, the two boys take her to Benny (David Shackelford), who owns a sex shop. Benny works out how to switch her back on. 

     Limus takes her back home. Meanwhile, the senator wants his robot back. He tasks Frazier and Koontz with getting her back. They go and interrogate Benny. He gives up Limus. Limus uses his father’s credit card to pay for Bardot. He hides her in his sister’s outdoor dollhouse. Bardot is a learning computer, so as she can act more human as she acquires information.

    Whilst Limus and Leonard are at school, Limus’ younger sister, Shaqobi (Arianna Jaffier) goes and shows the Bible to Bardot. Bardot absorbs the Bible and becomes a feminist. The boys take her out to the local arcade. Rodney (John Robinson), the local bully, sees Bardot and immediately invites her to his party, ignoring his actual girlfriend, Kassidy ( Kirby Bliss Blanton). 

    Benny warns the boys that the secret service is after them. They hide Bardot in a motel. Frazier and Koontz find them and tell Biter. He goes to see Limus. He tells him to bring Bardot back. The next day the secret service turns up at the motel with a lot of manpower. Benny goes out to meet them. He knocks out Koontz but is then knocked out by Frazier.

    Limus and Leonard surrender. Bardot decides to rebel and takes out all of the secret service-men. She leaves telling the boys it is too dangerous for them to be around her. She is picked up by Rodney. Rodney shows off by driving by the boys’ workplace with her. They decide to get her back as Limus is in love with her. They decide to go to Rodney’s party. 

     At the party, Rodney embarrasses Kassidy by flirting with Bardot. He then catches Limus and Leonard at his party and drags them out. Bardot protects them and hands Rodney a beating. Limus father stops his credit card after seeing the massive charges Limus has run-up. Bardot shuts down whilst driving. The secret service men retrieve the robot. The senator tells them to clean her up. 

     Limus connects with Kassidy, both are Star Trek nerds. Limus wants to get Bardot back. He and Leonard decide to sneak into Biter’s inauguration speech. The senator plans to unveil Bardot as part of his campaign in his run for president. The boys find Bardot but are caught by Fraizer and Koontz. Benny comes and rescues them. Bardot disconnects from the senator’s network and follows the boys. 

    They stumble into the wrong room and alert a whole load of secret service-men. They escape and take Bardot to the airport. Limus father, who is a pilot, takes Bardot through. She says goodbye to Limus and goes. Kassidy asks Limus out. The end. 

    Ha Ha, whoa. It is an insult to shit to say this film is shit. Every actor in the film should fire their agent because this must easily be the worse thing on their resumé. This is the sort of film that can curtail a career. There are outtakes at the end and in one of them, Zack Pearlman says; ‘comedies are harder than dramas.’ This film absolutely proves it! 

    Written – or scrawled on the back of a napkin – by Mark and Michael Polish, and directed by Michael, Hot Bot is a film made in the wrong decade. Not that if it was made in the eighties, the right decade for this tripe, it would have been any good.  

    I am lost for words to describe just how unwatchable this film is. As this is a review, I am forced to relate, with words, just how awful it is. I started writing the review ten minutes into the film because I knew I would need a distraction and a reason to get through it. 

     Hot Bot is a porn film without the porn. There are actual actors, who can act, in this abomination. This is the sort of film that must cause actors to turn to drugs and alcohol just to get through the production.

There is no way they did not know this was a bad film whilst they were making it. The film aims for Weird Science and misses by such a wide margin that I believe that the writers – sorry, makers of this crap – probably have never even heard of the film. 

     This is, supposedly, a comedy. I am going out on a limb and assuming that Mark and Michael are brothers. For anyone who has siblings or even close friends who are almost like siblings, there are things that you find funny that you just know would not be funny to the rest of the world. The Polish’s obviously never got that memo. Coen Brothers they are not. 

     Hot Bot is wretched and it is entirely down to the writing and directing. Hopefully, the Polish’s will not inflict their mediocracy on the masses ever again. Avoid. 

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